Welcome to my blog. There is more here than meets the eye. Actually, there is not, because I'm typing exactly what I'm thinking, and thus you are seeing all there is at that particular moment when I'm writing it. *pause* I need a drink...
A biography would be too long and tedious for me to write here. Instead, I offer you the facts, with which you may draw your own conclusions.
Full Name: Sasha Klaus (pronounced "klows") Nein About the Name: "Sasha" is a perfectly acceptable male name in Europe, and yes, Nein is pronounced the same as Nine, but no, I am not on cloud nein nor going the whole nein yards nor responsible for Love Potion Number Nein, regardless of what Agent Vodello claims. Age: Merely a number. Eye Color: Gray. Yes, that's right, I have eyes, and they're a boring color. Not gold, not white, not purple, just a boring washed-out blue. Sorry, fangirls. Height: 5'11, according to the agency. 5'10, according to me. Job: Psychic spy, researcher, and cynicist PSC: Telepathist (Class IV) Hometown: Duisburg, Germany Current Residence: East Coast, USA Overall personality: Introverted, cold, pendantic, and sarcastic. Political party: Republican/Libertarian Religion: Lutheran/Zen Buddhist/Pastafarian Hobbies: Chess, piano, mourning the loss of my fish. Your fish?: He was my reason for living.
Maxwell is love (RIP, liebling).
Favorite color: Black Favorite animal: Rats, stingrays, and betta fish. Favorite books: "House of Leaves" Favorite authors: Homer, Sophocles, Mary Roach, and Janna Levin. Favorite poetry: Haikus, sonnets, well-structured free verse. Favorite plays: "Oedipus Rex," "Equus," and "Hamlet." Favorite playwrights: Berthold Brecht, Jean-Paul Sartre. Favorite movies: "The Machinist," "Donnie Darko," "The Road," "The Butterfly Effect," "Hypercube," and "Billy the Kid vs. Dracula." Favorite actor: Ian McKellen Favorite actress: Salma Hayek (for no other reason than I am attracted to her) Favorite television shows: "Naked Science," "House" Favorite bands: E Nomine, E.S. Posthumus Favorite singers: Roger Cicero, Rufus Wainwright Favorite songs: "Plinth," accessible here, Jean-Luc Ponty's "Once a Blue Planet," Of Montreal's "Oslo in the Summertime" Favorite Composers: Vivaldi and Wagner. Hands-down. Favorite drinks: Black coffee, Smirnoff, and Beringer red wine. Favorite type of joke: Dry satire. Least favorite type of joke: Puns on my last name. Most likely to say: "Hm. Compelling." Least likely to say: "ME WANT CANDY!" (whilst jumping on a pogo stick) Personal heroes: Alan Turing, James Clerk Maxwell, Thomas Hobbes
Dislikes: Immaturity, lack of reason, unnecessary rudeness, country music, beets, mislabeled shampoo bottles, stickiness, people who use “your” incorrectly, people on cell phones in public, white cars with bike racks on top that look like police cars at night, dishonesty, running out of alcohol, Carlos Mencia, Paris Hilton, Milla's ex-boyfriend Richard Reinike, Milla's ex-boyfriend Ian Wu, Milla's ex-boyfriend Justin Lutefisk, Milla's ex-boyfriend Ryan Smitt, plastic fruit, tacky lamps, when music is described as "vampirish," people who call me "Mister," people who spelled my name "Nien," people who call me "Mr. Nien," spoons, The Butterfly Effect 2, The DaVinci Code, audiences who clap out of rhythm to a song, Slinkies that never make it down the stairs, finding a comfortable sitting position that also causes one foot to fall asleep, Pluto, redundancy, redundancy, feeling insecure around Milla, smooth peanut butter, the inability to pronounce the word "thistle" without lisping, electric toothbrushes, baseball, wrong numbers that swear they never called you when you call them back, people who are unable to comprehend satire, wanting to eat peanut butter out of the jar but being too worried about germs to reuse the spoon that just touched my mouth, being plunged into existentialist dilemmas before 8 AM, The Hills Have Eyes (the remake), waking up with a headache, typo shame, when Milla gives me "cute" nicknames (like "schmuffin") and then uses them in front of the other agents, the death of vaudeville, scorpions, the awkward hesitant pause that comes right before someone mispronounces my name, Nextel phones, spandex, chocolate ice cream, when children remind me that smoking is bad for my health and I know they're right, waiting for my cell phone to charge, bruised bananas that don't seem bruised until the moment they are bitten into, being too self-conscious to wear a kilt to work even though I know I'd look great in one, poking something which appears dead only to discover it was actually sleeping, not knowing what "rock the casbah" means, tattoos of cartoon characters, being cold, the letter C except when used in "ch" words like "church," the color pink, stripped screws, Plancon's stupid knit Corona hat that he wears into the office because he's an unprofessional pothead, the ending of Stephen King's "It," Debbie Macdonald from Animal Cops Detroit, The Grapes of Wrath, trying to find a tie that matches and worrying it actually doesn't because I'm colorblind, flavored syrup in coffee, Fergie, people who take everything personally, finding loose sticky notes on the floor of my office that say "REALLY IMPORTANT, GET TO TRUMAN ASAP" and having no clue which case they were originally stuck to, realizing the gay neighbors know more about American football than me, being asked if I've "read any good minds lately" on a weekly basis, bar soap, MTV, anything asymmetrical, anything unplanned, masturbation (that's right, I said it), tourists who wear corny "I Heart NY!" shirts, eighties music, people who use my drunken ramblings to blackmail me the next day, people who write "profound" poetry about the hardship of the homeless even though they've never been homeless themselves, reality TV in general, that most people can't tell the difference between a Nazi swastika and a Buddhist swastika, exercise commercials that use the word "booty," Snuggies, Snuggies for dogs, florist shops, co-workers who fail to check e-mail on a regular basis, people who apply Freudian psychology to my choice of pasta at Olive Garden, dentists, germs, 1337 language, waking up from naps at 10 PM, milk, parents who spell traditional names alternatively (like "Mykal" and "Krisstael"), the general public's overrating of Shakespeare, the number 9, long lists of things I dislike, and your mother.
Likes: Bauhaus, the first drag of a cigarette, warmth, finishing ahead of time, intelligent conversations late at night, slam poetry, Merlot, not feeling pressured by people, Gregorian chant, being with Milla.
Favorite art style: De Stijl, cubism, realism. Most likely downfall: Murdered by a psychic criminal in a vengeful manner. Least likely downfall: Baked in an oven during a French revolution. Quirks: Ability to recite long passages from books, solve Rubik's cubes, and prepare my own taxes. Things I Don't Understand: Bigotry, art deco, falling in love. Worst habits: Smoking, drinking, picking at scars, blogging obsessively, worrying, over-planning, over-analyzing, underestimating dangerous situations, endlessly reciting "Oedipus," "Hamlet," and "Beowulf" during inopportune moments. Thing I'm most often asked: "Can you do something psychic for me?" Answer: No. Why not?: I am not a circus performer. Supports: The TSM. What's the TSM?: The Telepathist Seditionist Movement. What the hell does that mean?: Perhaps you should read my blog and find out. zomg i tihnk im a phykik: Wtf, no, I highly doubt u r psychic, lol. Stop wasting my time. Greatest aspiration: A series of well-developed research projects to aid understanding and acceptance of psychic abilities. Not-so-great aspirations: To buy more cigarettes, to be more assertive. Most realistic aspiration: To buy more cigarettes. Most unrealistic aspiration: To be more assertive. Reason for creating a blog: Sheer boredom. Reason for continuing this blog: To sort my thoughts.
Albert Einstein: "God does not play dice with the cosmos." Niels Bohr: "Stop telling God what to do with his dice, Albert."
General disclaimers: I do not do tricks for non-psychics. I am not a play-thing. I do not care if you think you are psychic. I do not want to hear your theories concerning my partner, Agent Vodello. I do not want to read your fanfiction. I am legally not allowed to give you Agent Aquato's phone number, so for the love of God, stop asking for it. Some names may or may not have been changed for security purposes. If I choose to share details of my personal life, I will. Conversely, I may choose not to tell you anything, and I am in no way obligated to do so. I will not tell you all about my childhood simply because you asked. You may contact me, but I cannot guarantee I will not permanently scar you. I am an agent, not a therapist, and any advice I give you will likely be satirical and therefore should not be followed. By reading my blog, you understand that there will likely be foul language and long digressions concerning my liebling, Maxwell. If you do not wish to read the insomniatic ramblings of a German telepathist, then I suggest leaving immediately and finding another way in which to entertain yourself. Perhaps read a book. I highly recommend "A Madman Dreams of Turing Machines," by Janna Levin.
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." ~ Groucho Marx