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26 March 2011 @ 07:20 am
The Beginning of the End  
Dear Journal:

I have come to the realization that journals, such as yourself, are a means for one to sort through one's emotional baggage, package what needs saved, and discard that which does not.  Efforts to maintain, or revive you, have failed.  And recently it occurred to me that this is because I no longer need you.  I have won my soulmate, resolved my familial problems, and come to peace with my own abilities.

Yet it seems wrong, after five years (has it been so long?  Time does fly.), to leave you here to rot without a proper burial.  I am a man who likes neat endings and plenty of closure.  I have left you as a loose end, slowly fraying around the edges of my subconscious.  It is time to snip off the threads, tie a neat knot, and give you the send-off you deserve.  You have helped me in such a way no other means ever has.  For the first time in my conscious memory, I am happy.  I am full.  And I owe that to you, Journal, my little repository for my fears, guilts, secrets, and insecurities.

I do this only for us: that is, me.  I doubt my readers have spared a thought for me.  I am, after all, only an abstract online personality.  But I cannot rest easy until I finish this one thing:

A Ten-Post Countdown to the Official Closing of my Blog

Spicing a cup of coffee with vanilla and cinnamon, I took our dog, Wagner, out for a long walk to contemplate the best way to perform this task.  The tendrils of steam curled upward toward the pre-dawn sky, while Wagner stepped delicately over a thin layer of frost.  Cold does not bother me so much now.  Perhaps I owe this to the hot coffee... or perhaps to my weight gain.  My cheekbones receded into my face, and my ribs into my torso, and suddenly, in the wake of Milla and I's wedding, I discovered a healthy and even handsome man buried in the sickliness of my guiltiness. 

"Chupaflor, you know I love you no matter what you look like," said Milla during one of our evening jogs, "but frankly, I'd rather be the skinny one in this relationship." 

I wheezed in agreement.  I'm not fond of our jogs, but I am fond of Milla's company, which is how she gets me to done trainers and run around like an idiot outside.

I decided to ask Milla's opinion of a ten-post countdown to my blog.  I took Wagner inside and gently roused Milla. 

"Ghhhh-nnuuhhhggg!" she said, shoving her mane of bed-rumpled hair beneath her pillow.  (Hers is tan, with blue and white flowers.  Mine is white.)  I took this to be her full support and encouragement, and went to my computer, where I learned that I had forgotten my password.  Several calls to Agent Shive, Agent Nguyen, Agent Cohen, and Agent O'Malley later ("Can you think of any passwords I've used recently?" I asked.  "How about, it's-five-thirty-and-i-was-fucking-asleep?" suggested Agent Cohen.), I gained access to my account, where I wrote an excellent entry, accidentally deleted it, and then wrote this.

I expect to finish by no later than the end of April, but I suspect we might part ways sooner, Journal.  I have missed you, and I may miss you once I leave you.  But I cannot give you the same attention as before.  The time is ripe for me to move on.  I have found what I needed through you: thank you.  In return, I will give both you and I closure, and answer all the floating questions I've peppered through you in our time together.  I look forward to these last days together.

And now, I must really go make a new pot of coffee, since Milla is awake and unhappy about her early wake-up call. 

Mood: refreshedrefreshed
Listening to: Milla in the shower, and "Good Vibrations" by the Beach Boys
deviwicked on March 30th, 2011 08:06 pm (UTC)
I'd hoped if I waited long enough you'd return. We haven't met but I do like reading your blog very much, and am looking forward to your next entries, however sad I will be once they've come to an end.
deifyapotheosis on April 4th, 2011 04:57 pm (UTC)
I wonder how this count down will god. But its good that you're not just leaving things untied at the end.
gibuspit on April 9th, 2011 09:38 pm (UTC)
Keep posting stuff like this i really like it

wilepond on April 14th, 2011 10:17 pm (UTC)
Great post! I wish you could follow up on this topic!

wohlertkez on November 3rd, 2011 02:10 pm (UTC)
I’ve been into blogging for quite some time and this is definitely a great post.Cheers!