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17 July 2010 @ 04:48 pm
An early update, answering to last week's late one  
Dear Journal:

Updating this blog has become much more difficult for me.  One of the few drawbacks of lacking any potent abilities is my inability to block.  My mind used to be a safely guarded steel trap; now, all my thoughts are projected for all to hear, a disconcerting feeling if nothing else.  I have taken to updating from Starbucks, something I swore I wouldn't do because it seems to terribly tacky.  But between Milla and lattes... well, the lattes are less judgmental.

In exciting news this week, I received a collect call from an old friend.

"Would you like to accept a collect call from..." began the operator.  I waited for the voice, and all I got was wheezy laughing.  I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, knowing full well who it was.

The call went through, and I was greeted with a warm, "Hello, Sasha boy!"

"Hello Agent Cruller.  How do you do?" I asked.

More wheezy laughter.  "Fit as a fiddle.  How are things at the agency?"

"They're wonderful," I said truthfully.  "Everything has really calmed down.  We feel safe.  Everything's under control.  Well, Truman stepped down and we still don't have a new Head, but I think Gabe Dunn might take over that position.  He's a really genial guy."

A pause.  "Funny.  I heard some nutjob over there was working on curing everyone."  He put a heavy, sarcastic emphasis on the word "curing."

I sighed deeply.  "Not you, too.  Did Milla put you up to this?"

"I don't need Milla, Sasha.  You and I have been mentally linked for a decade.  Don't you think I'd notice if suddenly, the biggest part of you just shut down?  Now, listen..."

"No, you listen," I interrupted.  Admittedly I was angry.  Angry that my greatest mentor should take everyone else's side, even when it's clear that I have everyone's best interests at heart.  More and more, I'm growing tired of all this opposition.  Surely someone sees the value in it?  Surely some others have wanted what I've wanted?  A chance to be normal, and safe, and as I was supposed to be?

I explained to Ford how I felt, the insomnia and the nightmares, seeing my father's memories as a child, the flashbacks, the seizures, the nosebleeds, the people I can't get close to, the dogs that howl at me.  I went down the whole list, all of it things Ford already knew.

And at the end, he sighed.  "No one ever said it would be easy, Sasha.  With great power comes great responsibility.  But didn't even O'Pia say that we were a special, chosen few and should embrace these gifts for the betterment of humanity?  To protect and to safeguard those below us?"

"Well, O'Pia is dead," I snapped shortly.  "And I believe I've more than made up for what I've had to.  Ford, you know how much I've done for them.  I've spent tens of years protecting them without thanks.  I've taken lives and I've taken bullets and I've seen and done things no one should ever have to endure.  Can't I rest now?"

"Look, Sasha, if you want to poison yourself into normality, go ahead.  But stop dragging everyone else into this.  What you're doing is no different than a heroin addict who takes drugs to forget a bad memory."

I felt this analogy was imperfect, considering my "drug" actually makes me safer.  When was the last time I had a bad reaction to something and something in the room exploded?  Not recently, I assure you.

But before I could point out his error, Ford continued, "I think you ought to know, more than a few people are disappointed.  Razputin, for one.  And me, for another."

Well, that came to me like a punch in the gut.  A child's opinion of me does not matter.  However, Ford is like a second father to me.  I was unaware he was such a militant for psychic "rights."  As if we were a race, or ethnicity, and not just a group of dangerous and mutilated people.

The conversation ended shortly, and left me wondering if maybe it's time to wean myself off.  I can still do my research, after all.  I haven't done many animal trials yet, and I could examine how the "withdrawal" works.  Yes... there might be something interesting to observe there.  How my abilities return and how much control of them I have.

Perhaps I will stop my injections later this week and study what takes place. 

But to be clear, this is not solely for Ford's approval.  I will continue my research regardless of his feelings.  And I will not cease injections entirely.  I'm simply noting that I must document withdrawal effects.  That is all.

~ Sasha
 
 
Mood: crushedconflicted
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on July 18th, 2010 01:27 am (UTC)
Tony Wilson here.

I read your entries and I can see ... you are on the right way! No matter what other say! Live your dream like I did with Factory Records. Maybe you are NOW interested to work with my label ... after you are done with curing your pals.

Best Regards,

Tony Wilson
deifyapotheosis on July 18th, 2010 06:10 am (UTC)
I am glad Ford was able to talk to you without (from the looks of it) being judgmental.

I have a feeling this will be for the best in the end.
ext_253839 on September 11th, 2010 07:22 am (UTC)
so is this your 'final solution' to the psychic problem? look at what you've become. at low doses over a period of time, psytanium causes insanity in non-psychics. at high doses over a much shorter period of time, it causes insanity in psychics and non-psychics alike. what are the long-term effects of psytanium at medium doses? it's not hard to figure out, not at all.

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